Aliens & Apples

Love at first sight. Love at first bite, like devouring the core of an apple before it can rot, yet you take portions and… unless you really like apples… you’ll leave a Picasso’ed fugi ready to shrivel from yellow to brown; from brown to ants; from and to insect spray; and just like the chemicals formulated to kill those tiny soldiers, your constant parents’ bickering can leave a funk in the kitchen. MAWWIGE IS WHAT BRINGS US TOGETHA TWODAY! (While it secretly calls upon comfortability to do to do its bidding). A missed dish turns to Antietam, your daughter’s grades, Nagasaki, like babbling back and forth through a walkie talkie smartly pressing the off key and then throwing jabs softly.

That is why I will NEVER marry. Sure, you’ve been Facebook offical for 2 years, your parents been married for 30, and you can take a dump in the same house as your sudden soulmate. So ons and So ons Simply Sicken me. You sir, are an alien. You Madam, are an alien. Marriages now only last for two reasons: fear of the unknown, and sympathy for the alien you birthed, frightened over the possibility that he might cry, go goth, turn gay or lez, all of the above, because you signed the divorce papers. Cross that with a T, tired of your shit.

When “I Love You” burns, crumbles, and falls like ashes from the sky, it makes love puny, no pun intended, so y?  

#4: Achy Breaky Heart

Laundry comedian asked, “how do you know which girl is going to cheat on you?” Well, in a perfect world, no girl would dare do so, but these days everyone wants to do it with everyone. I have a method called text percentage. The average amount you and your girlfriend talk, or most likely text is your 75% mark. Your lovey dovey moment is 100% and your fights are 50% and below. If any non fight has you at 50% or lower, you should instantly be worried about your relationship and ask what’s wrong. This is the best way to avoid cheating and go straight to the break up.

Now if you think your girl is already cheating you can always tell by how they react when you compliment them a Shit ton. Like so much you sound like a rookie interviewer at Kobes postgame talks. If there reaction has any guilt whatsoever they’ve done something wrong. Step two is you flirt with another girl. If they’re twice as defensive they’re guilty of something again. Last step you ask them, and believe me you’ll be able to tell whether they lie or not.

It sucks when girls are bitches like that though. That’s why you gotta get with them before they hook you in. Like carefully taking the bait off a fishing line without pulling the hook.

#3: No Breast = No Stuffing

Super Mario Bread Bro asked “What should I do in the situation of a girl playing strip pool that is wearing two bras? concerned citizen” Well, I am highly concerned as well. Hardly does the moment of a double bra happen, and the odds of it happening in a strip game situation is even crazier. I’ve been there though, and I’m glad to say I’ve survived long enough to tell the story.

Never in my life did I ever think the Thanksgiving Double Bra fiasco would happen. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t prepared. I didn’t even know that girls would do such a thing. Unless they had four boobs… which would be dope on Titan. Enough about planet civilization though, let’s get to the story.

It was declared “party of the year”, or at least I was eager for it to be, so I invited my bros, my girls, my mates, and random ass bitches. One of these random ass bitches, AKA Agent Doublebra, walked in with her awkward Asian and Army Girlfriend Texas Person Thingy and went straight to the bar. Never one to take away an opportunity to practice my game, I bartended them. A few Shots, Beers, White Wine, and dope ass XO, Agent Doublebra and her associates were ready for step one in IWannaGetLaidIsm (IWGL for short). Step one for IWGL is to show off your best ass shaking moves to the most cliche music possible. Think the same white girl dip move over and over to (insert your Nikki Minaj song here).

Anyway as the night progressed they progressed shockingly, which might have been the reason Agent Asian left so soon. But, anyway after a short while it was down to a much drunker Agent Doublebra and… whatever her name was and they were lap dancing on my pool table. Now, being highly tipsy at the time, I must have done three victory laps and told every person at the party about it, but then I got myself together and asked the ultimate question.

"How bout a game of strip pool?"

After a quick and simple yes the game was set. Me and Big Dave Wallace vs. The IWGL duo. Pool is boring to everyone but me, so lets just say I kicked ass. The moment came, and I scored a 2 in the corner pocket. Off went the bra. BUT YET!!! THERE WAS ANOTHER!! To this day, I’m not quite sure how that game ended. I was too shocked. 

How would I handle it if it ever happened again. I would’ve taken off my pants and showed her my goods. It’s the only win win situation. She will either submit to your awesomeness, not sumbit while other ladies get a chance to see what you got, or will at least have the utmost respect for you.

I guess what I’m trying to say is: When all else fails, it’s good to be big in the pants.


#2: So… You like baseball?

Happy Monday. JT asked me, “how do you switch from small talk to a good conversation? ” Well my friend, when it comes to small talk I like to go with Barney Stimpsons rule from How I Met Your Mother.

Maximum eye contact, say their name over and over, and flirtatiously put them down. Now you’re probably asking how this is relevant to conversation. The more you can tease a girl the harder they’ll want to work to socially prove you wrong. Therefore she’ll start her own topics. After that, depending on how far you wanna get by the end of the night, act as interested in her topics as you want to. No need for fake stories or anything. Just slightly allow her to win the struggle of her proving her awesomeness to you.

#1: Did It Hurt? When You Fell From Heaven?

Sitting in my office chair, sipping a Deathwish (SoCo and DP) I recieved my FIRST QUESTION!!

"Do pick up lines actually work?"— Russian Stoner

Well, Russian Stoner, first and foremost CONGRATS on being the first question asking person! When I retire this blog, hopefully not at #6, you will forever be known as number one! Always free to ask any more questions. I’ll never use you twice in a row though.

Now to the pick up lines. In my fair share of experiences of both failed and successful relationships, I have never used a true pick up line. I did, although use the fair amount of corny lovey dovey catchphrases that have gotten me from first base to home like Barry Bonds. 

For instance, your alone with your hopeful girl (or screw) and near a bed. Every guy will start to say anything and everything to get to la bed la sooner. But, how much bullshit can you say. I like to call this game Quiet, Defensive, Open, Flirtatious, Kiss. Also known as QDOFK. For quiet, you barely talk, letting her pull all the weight in the conversation, then when she looks tired you latch on to her last subject and argue (unless it’s about killing babies then latch on to previous subject, or realize that you are trying to get it on with a baby killer). Arguing, will take you into the defensive stage. At this point she’s so eager for relativity in your life that she’ll love the fair game of argument. When things get to the boiling point, you tell her that she’s right. This will put you into the open stage. There, you tell her a sad story of your picking. She’ll want to comfort you. From there, you can figure out how the next stages happen.

In conclusion, don’t use a pick up line. It’s like holding someone’s hand when their going down a slide, I think they can go down that slide by themselves. If you really can’t help it, just compliment them sincerely. There’s no better pick up line then telling a girl shes beautiful.  

I’m Baaaaaaaaack

Hey there my 8 followers and 100 people who anonymously stalk me! Everyone should get at least 15 chances at making a good blog. Especially if you’re a hot mess like me.

I was with my boy JT the other day and I realized something. I’M A GINGER! Therefore I have been relying on my personality for 101% of my lady game (except for saying the words lady game). Therefore, I will be answering your questions, American Men, or my 8 followers, about how you can land the person of your dreams. Quick note I will be way better at answering questions for men, but lesbians and gays feel welcome. If anything we can talk about our love for Billy Porter.

One rule: The people I talk about and the people who ask questions will all have super cool code names so that you can remain unknown, kinda like I just did with JT.

Two Rule: When someone asks me, “Blanman, how do you score a foursome with midgets.” I, undeniably, will not be able to answer that. I will have to interview a professional (one of my friends when their blazed) and blog their ideas.

Well, cuz this is the first blog, and their are know questions, I’ll start off with one.

"Blanman, how do I get the first impression right?"

The first impression isn’t about you. It isn’t about the girl. It isn’t about the date, or the kickback, or the chick in the booty shorts at the rager. It’s all about Environmental comfort. Lemme explain: The man who isn’t 100% comfortable about where he is, who he’s with, and what will happen will NEVER score the girl. You find the girl of your dreams it’s automatically YOUR HOUSE, YOUR PARTY, YOUR CHIPOTLE OUTING. The more comfortable you are around the girl, the less she’ll care about talking with someone else. 9 times out of 10 she’s talking to you for a reason (the 10th time being that she’s blacked out), so make the most out of that moment. Introductions should be brief. Once again it isn’t about you it’s about where you two are. The quicker you can get her to your comfort ability, you at least have some hot chick to talk to, if not score with at the end of the night.